Today is Aaron's 26th birthday! Happy Birthday Sweetie!! His birthday probably couldn't have been much busier with work, and playing the piano at the highschool here, and then band and choir practice tonight, but it's so neat to see him have such a great attitude through it all....because my husband loves to serve!
And I'm sure he wasn't expecting me to break down crying at lunch for his birthday. But I must say, my husband has a gift for making me verbalize my thoughts and then helping me understand and work through them. The Lord used Him to open my eyes very wide this afternoon, and see the error of my ways. Forgive me if what I write isn't well put together...I just hope it makes sense.
It's so easy for me to know what is right, believe the messages I hear at church, and believe what I read in the Word or books (or blogs),but then to not have it penetrate and change my heart. There has been a struggle going on in me for the past few months now, and to be totally open and honest, I didn't know what to do, and it has been completely draining me. I wake up each morning, and when I feel sick, I know what the right thing to do is: understand that this is for my good and has a great purpose, that I need to be joyful in the Lord and content with what he has given me, that I must rely upon the Lord's strength and grace to get through it, etc. But it has been a battle to be joyful and content every day. I know that is what the Lord wants, but I have felt like I fail Him day after day because it IS such a struggle. I'm reading His Word, but not as much as I should or even with the right perspective. I'm praying, but barely enough and there are times I don't know what to pray. I'm doing things around the house and even out and about, but I still feel sick and wish I didn't. And then I talk to SO many women who have obviously been through the same thing, and they make it sound like it was hard but they got tjrough it and did it time after time, and I get even more dicouraged feeling like "what is wrong with me and why can't I have a better attitude about this?!?"
Alright, now to what the Lord has revealed to me today, starting with using my husband as a tool. I shared with Aaron what I was feeling, and he could understand why I was in turmoil...because I was dwelling on my failure to be truly content and joyful, and constantly trying to figure out how to change. Instead of dwelling on God alone, ---his AMAZING beauty, all of his attributes, his work on the cross, his great work in my life, his MANY blessings he has given me, I have been dwelling on my health. My thoughts easily go towards how I'm feeling when they need to be completely filled with my Savior!! I need to put off the discouragment, frustration, and self pitty, and I need to put on the righteousness of Jesus! I need to go to the Word because of my love for the Savior and desire to know Him more, NOT to hope what I read encourages me and changes my perspective on life. It's not about me, it's about HIM!! And lastly, I need to thank Him for ALL that HE does for me...which is an endless list. I started today, and realized how good my God is, and how ungrateful I have been!!
This afternoon was a reviving time of confessing, praying, and reading...the Lord led me to Psalm 27 (which is one of my favorite passages in the Bible, but I hadn't read it in ages!), and he truly showed me his beauty and incredible love through my weakness! The whole Psalm is beautiful, and i would encourage you to read it!! "One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD and to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; in the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock. And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me, and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD." ~Ps. 27:4-6
Please pray for me as the Lord works in my heart....these battles will rage on, but with the Lord on my side, I know I can be victorious.
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6 comments:
Awww...sweet sister...thanks for being open and vulnerable in that. I really appreciated what you said about going to the Word out of simply a deep love for our Savior...not what we can "get" out of it, per say!
Love you and know that we will keep praying for you...and please do the same for me...my flesh is made up of sin just like yours...and it is a battle everyday to delight in Jesus above all things. Last week, the kids and I memorized Psalm 73:25-26 and it has really been an encouragement to me: "Whom have I in Heaven besides You and there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!"
Give Aaron a big belated birthday hug from all of us!!!!
Kim thank you for sharing what the Lord is doing in your heart!!What you said was so true about going to the word of God not for our own gain but simply because God is who he is! our savior!!I will keep you and your husband in my prayers I know he doesnt know me but tell him happy birthday lol!!I cant wait to see you post pictures of your new baby on your blog eventually lol!!that is if you find time to blog after you have him or her lol!!
Thanks for sharing your heart Kim. I had a very similar experience this week...God showed me that focusing on myself, even if it's out of frustration with my sin, leads to death. I can get so frustrated with myself, or my situation, that it gets me depressed and then I just wallow in self-pity ...And God showed me that I choose to take this route because I want control, and I'm not getting it! He revealed my true heart with these verses Rm. 8:6,7,8--"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law..." --> When I choose to go to self-pity/depression, it's because I do not want to submit to God's control and plan in that situation...and I choose to "set my mind" on myself and my failures as a desperate ploy to gain control. God showed me today that it isn't disobedience to be frustrated with my situation or my sin, but it is sin to choose to stay there. And why stay in that place, when I can use that moment to remind myself of Christ's work on the Cross, and have a greater appreciation for the sacrifice He made for me! :)
So... that was a bit long ;) , but just wanted to encourage you and let you know I'm right there with you! We'll be praying for you!
Hey Kim,
I just wanted to let you know I decided to post my "comment" to you on our blog, since it summed up my thoughts for the week...just thought I'd let you know in case you start reading our blog and get a feeling of deja vu! :)
Thanks for sharing that Michelle! It's always encouraging to know I am not the only one (although I know all believer's struggle with this at one point or another). And lol...knowing me, I probably would have a sense of deja vu! :) Praying for you guys!
HI my fellow "saved" sinners :) Hee hee...I just love how we all can share and that we truely are brothers and sisters in Christ when we can completely relate, and my dear Kim, Oh how I can relate, and Oh what a blessing to know we are all walking the same "straight and narrow" path but with different stumbles and falls and some the same:) Thank you for all you shared in turn blessing hearts, including my own!
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